jayjayp

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. - Author object (142)

We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven't learned how to care for one another. We're gonna save the fuckin' planet? . . . And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin' great. It's been here over four billion years . . . The planet isn't goin' anywhere, folks. We are! We're goin' away. Pack your shit, we're goin' away. And we won't leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we'll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake. - Author object (142)

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic. - Author object (142)

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. - Author object (142)

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. - Author object (142)

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.'" - Author object (142)

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. - Author object (142)

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist. - Author object (142)

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. - Author object (142)

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. - Author object (142)

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? - Author object (142)

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. - Author object (142)

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat. - Author object (142)

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate. - Author object (142)

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was." - Author object (142)

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette? - Author object (142)

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. - Author object (142)

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice? - Author object (142)

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. - Author object (142)

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate. - Author object (142)