George Carlin's quote

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an orgasm.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven't learned how to care for one another. We're gonna save the fuckin' planet? . . . And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin' great. It's been here over four billion years . . . The planet isn't goin' anywhere, folks. We are! We're goin' away. Pack your shit, we're goin' away. And we won't leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we'll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake.

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.'"

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate. Brain Droppings

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was." When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Everyone smiles in the same language.

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to. Brain Droppings

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

And then there are the times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble. Brain Droppings

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Think of how it all started: America was founded by slave owners who informed us, "All men are created equal." All "men," except Indians, niggers, and women. Remember, the founders were a small group of unelected, white, male, land-holding slave owners who also, by the way, suggested their class be the only one allowed to vote. To my mind, that is what's known as being stunningly--and embarrassingly--full of shit.

Religion is just mind control.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes. Brain Droppings

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.

Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple. Brain Droppings

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.