humour

humour

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. The Salmon of Doubt

For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

When I was your age, television was called books. The Princess Bride

It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination. The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use.

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

When you're drowning you don't think, <em>I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.</em> You just scream.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable. Annie Hall

The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. The Artist as Critic: Critical Writings of Oscar Wilde

Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.

My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.

We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works. The Salmon of Doubt

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

Sex, whatever else it is, is an athletic skill. The more you practice, the more you can, the more you want to, the more you enjoy it, the less it tires you. The Cat Who Walks Through Walls

All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone. Pensées

Yes, I am here. And you are lucky to be here too after all the absurd things you've done since you left home. The Fellowship of the Ring

I have no objection to anyone’s sex life as long as they don’t practice it in the street and frighten the horses.

For Children: You will need to know the difference between Friday and a fried egg. It's quite a simple difference, but an important one. Friday comes at the end of the week, whereas a fried egg comes out of a chicken. Like most things, of course, it isn't quite that simple. The fried egg isn't properly a fried egg until it's been put in a frying pan and fried. This is something you wouldn't do to a Friday, of course, though you might do it on a Friday. You can also fry eggs on a Thursday, if you like, or on a cooker. It's all rather complicated, but it makes a kind of sense if you think about it for a while. The Salmon of Doubt

People who count their chickens before they are hatched act very wisely because chickens run about so absurdly that it's impossible to count them accurately.

Life, said Marvin dolefully, loathe it or ignore it, you can’t like it. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.