humor

I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.

The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.

Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself-like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell.

It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt

If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want.

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. Diggers

The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.

Never memorize something that you can look up.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life. Jingo

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday, the Man and His Message: With His Own Words Which Have Won Thousands for Christ

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

Life's hard. It's even harder when you're stupid.

If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches. Man and Superman

A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity.

Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he went completely out of his mind. Don Quixote

Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.

He had had much experience of physicians, and said 'the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not'. Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World

The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.

Once, when a religionist denounced me in unmeasured terms, I sent him a card saying, "I am sure you believe that I will go to hell when I die, and that once there I will suffer all the pains and tortures the sadistic ingenuity of your deity can devise and that this torture will continue forever. Isn't that enough for you? Do you have to call me bad names in addition? I, Asimov: A Memoir

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes. Brain Droppings

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup.

Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any. The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain: A Book of Quotations

There must be something wrong with those people who think Audrey Hepburn doesn’t perspire, hiccup or sneeze, because they know that’s not true. I n fact, I hiccup more than most.

In the end, everything is a gag.

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact. The Importance of Being Earnest

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then. Alice in Wonderland

Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train. The Importance of Being Earnest

So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install, a lovely bookcase on the wall.

Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?

I have great faith in fools - my friends call it self-confidence.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

Don't Panic. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. The Calvin And Hobbes: Tenth Anniversary Book

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.

Customs officer : Do you have anything to declare? Oscar Wilde : I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid. Maybe, Maybe Not

Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

It’s clearly a budget. It’s got lots of numbers in it.

It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Pasteboard pies and paper flowers are being banished from the stage by the growth of that power of accurate observation which is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it....

If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there. The Stranger

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble. Brain Droppings

Familiarity breeds contempt and children.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded. Lords and Ladies

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.

I make mistakes; I'll be the second to admit it. The Snake Has All the Lines

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. The Picture of Dorian Gray

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws. Mostly Harmless

When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.

There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

The most interesting information come from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

Which of us is happy in this world? Which of us has his desire? or, having it, is satisfied? Vanity Fair

Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world's original sin. If the cave-man had known how to laugh, History would have been different. The Picture of Dorian Gray

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Brevity is the soul of lingerie. While Rome Burns

It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.

Men always want to be a woman’s first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle instinct about these things. What (women) like is to be a man’s last romance.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat.

In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.

I hated sports. I hated sports, and I hated people who played them, and I hated people who watched them, and I hated people who didn't hate people who watched or played them. Looking for Alaska

He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.

The venn diagram of boys who don’t like smart girls and boys you don’t wanna date is a circle.

A towel, [The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.

It's a lazy Saturday afternoon, there's a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more 'numinous' than the Ressurection. Do they know how to have a good time, or don't they?

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Personally, I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up. Hannah and Her Sisters

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.' 'I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. There goes the shawl again!'

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four. Pudd'nhead Wilson and Other Tales

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway. The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop The Children Of The New Forest

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.

Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with. Sex and the City

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

That wasn't any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery. The Stand

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

Curiouser and curiouser. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Let's face it, a nice creamy chocolate cake does a lot for a lot of people; it does for me.

I don't trust anyone who doesn't laugh.

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

To be is to do - Socrates To do is to be - Sartre Do Be Do Be Do - Sinatra

I like to have a martini, Two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host. The Collected Dorothy Parker

The only good thing to do with good advice is pass it on; it is never of any use to oneself. An Ideal Husband

'It is perfectly monstrous,' he said, at last, 'the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one's back that are absolutely and entirely true.' The Picture of Dorian Gray

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor. A Christmas Carol

The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected. Breakfast Of Champions

To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem. The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.

I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them. Tom Sawyer Abroad

Do or do not; there is no try. (Yoda) Great science fiction film stories.

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.

Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. The Algonquin Wits

To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Well, that's your opinion, isn't it? And I'm not about to waste my time trying to change it.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them.

Indeed I have always been of the opinion that hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing to do.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?'

Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on. Bag of Bones

Doorknob: Sorry. You're much too big. Simply impassable. Alice: You mean impossible. Door: No, I do mean impassible. <em>(chuckles)</em> Nothing's impossible! Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent. Pudd'nhead Wilson

If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it." (<em>Letter to Étienne Noël Damilaville</em>, May 16, 1767)

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple. Brain Droppings

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

A joke is a very serious thing.

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.'"

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

I'd like to have money. And I'd like to be a good writer. These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that's too adorable, I'd rather have money.

The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

나는 우주가 지성체로 가득하다는 것을 확신한다. 다만 이곳까지 오는 것을 그들의 지성이 허락하지 않을 뿐이다.

A goal without a plan is just a wish.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

I never made one of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.

To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.

He who hesitates is a damned fool.

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

물고기를 주면 하루의 양식을 주는 것이다. 물고기 잡는 법을 가르쳐주면, 그는 배위에 앉아 하루종일 맥주를 마실 것이다.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was." When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

I'm sorry I wrote you such a long letter; I didn't have time to write a short one.

The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter...or at least, most minds are...

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to. Brain Droppings

"Exactly!" said Deep Thought. "So once you do know what the question actually is, you'll know what the answer means." The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Short cuts make for long delays. The Hobbit

Everyone talks about the weather, but no one does anything about it.

I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.

I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction. The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate. Brain Droppings

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

The play was a great success, but the audience was a total failure

Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam? Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.

An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.

Even on the most solemn occasions I got away without wearing socks and hid that lack of civilization in high boots

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.

I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. Christian Science

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

If somebody says "I love you" to me, I feel as though I had a pistol pointed at my head. What can anybody reply under such conditions but that which the pistol holder requires? "I love you, too." Wampeters, Foma and Granfalloons

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and foget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity. The Diary of Anne Frank

Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain--and most do.

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.

If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian. Notebook

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards. Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing--that's why we recommend it daily.

Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.

It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work ... I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

You're on Earth. There's no cure for that.

Life, said Marvin dolefully, loathe it or ignore it, you can’t like it. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy