That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.George Carlin funny
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.Isaac Asimov funny
It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-10 (visit:731) - Marilyn Monroe funny
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-08-22 (visit:754) - Albert Einstein funny
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-12 (visit:714) - Winston Churchill funny
They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-12 (visit:626) - John Green Looking for Alaska funny
But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-11 (visit:593) - J.K. Rowling Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix funny
Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-11 (visit:623) - Mae West funny
Doorknob: Sorry. You're much too big. Simply impassable.
Alice: You mean impossible.
Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-11 (visit:656) - George Carlin When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? funny
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:527) - Woody Allen funny
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-08-21 (visit:719) - George Bernard Shaw funny
I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-17 (visit:699) - William Faulkner funny
I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-17 (visit:520) - Franklin D. Roosevelt funny
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:687) - Bertrand Russell funny
Mr. Right is coming, but he's in Africa and he's walking.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-10 (visit:642) - Oprah Winfrey funny
Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-10 (visit:675) - Mark Twain funny
I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:508) - Kinky Friedman funny