funny

funny

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting. Looking for Alaska
A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned
But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.
Doorknob: Sorry. You're much too big. Simply impassable. Alice: You mean impossible. Door: No, I do mean impassible. <em>(chuckles)</em> Nothing's impossible! Alice's Adventures in Wonderland &amp; Through the Looking-Glass
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers. Speak
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was." When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
The funniest people are the saddest once
I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are.
I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.
Mr. Right is coming, but he's in Africa and he's walking.
In this world only the paranoid survive. Midnight
The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.
Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use.
I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.