Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:681) - Woody Allen humor art life
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:595) - Woody Allen
The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:717) - Woody Allen sex
To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:710) - Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work ... I want to achieve immortality through not dying.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:592) - Woody Allen life humor
It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:552) - Woody Allen absurd
I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:757) - Woody Allen humor music absurd
Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:630) - Woody Allen women
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:715) - Woody Allen sex
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:665) - Woody Allen Annie Hall life humour
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:719) - Woody Allen love
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:597) - Woody Allen sex
Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:638) - Woody Allen
If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:664) - Woody Allen Hannah and Her Sisters humor religion
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:599) - Woody Allen
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:864) - Woody Allen humor sex
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:661) - Woody Allen life humour god
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:688) - Woody Allen
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:572) - Woody Allen love sex funny
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:801) - Woody Allen life
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:532) - Woody Allen humour
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:533) - Woody Allen humor
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:646) - Woody Allen
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:577) - Woody Allen
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:529) - Woody Allen humor reading
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:582) - Woody Allen humor physics
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:594) - Woody Allen
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:692) - Woody Allen
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:566) - Woody Allen sex
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:594) - Woody Allen
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:526) - Woody Allen
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:533) - Woody Allen Annie Hall
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:484) - Woody Allen
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:720) - Woody Allen sex
A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men.
I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.
I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:614) - Woody Allen humor
This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don’t you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:524) - Woody Allen
You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:763) - Woody Allen
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:472) - Woody Allen
Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful, and multiply'. But not in those words.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:507) - Woody Allen
Those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:617) - Woody Allen
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:586) - Woody Allen sex
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:485) - Woody Allen
Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:703) - Woody Allen Woody Allen: Standup Comic
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:597) - Woody Allen sex
You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:581) - Woody Allen life writing absurd
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:513) - Woody Allen
We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:918) - Woody Allen
Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:543) - Woody Allen
I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:549) - Woody Allen absurd
It's better to be rich than poor if only for financial reasons.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:650) - Woody Allen
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:672) - Woody Allen
The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.Qusmo Qusmo 2012-09-14 (visit:674) - Woody Allen
Woody Allen (born Allan Stewart Konigsberg; December 1, 1935) is an American screenwriter, director, actor, comedian, author, playwright, and musician whose career spans over half a century.
He began as a comedy writer in the 1950s, penning jokes and scripts for television and also publishing several books of short humor pieces. In the early 1960s, Allen started performing as a stand-up comic, emphasizing monologues rather than traditional jokes. As a comic, he developed the persona of an insecure, intellectual, fretful nebbish, which he insists is quite different from his real-life personality. In 2004, Comedy Central ranked Allen in fourth place on a list of the 100 greatest stand-up comics, while a UK survey ranked Allen as the third greatest comedian.
By the mid-1960s Allen was writing and directing films, first specializing in slapstick comedies before moving into more dramatic material influenced by European art films during the 1970s. He is often identified as part of the New Hollywood wave of filmmakers of the mid-1960s to late '70s. Allen often stars in his own films, typically in the persona he developed as a standup. Some of the best-known of his over 40 films are Annie Hall (1977), Manhattan (1979), Hannah and Her Sisters (1986), Midnight in Paris (2011), and The Purple Rose of Cairo (1985). Critic Roger Ebert has described Allen as "a treasure of the cinema".
He is also a jazz clarinetist who performs regularly at small venues in Manhattan.